[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
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accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
hmmm
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS