I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
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Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.