I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
You Might Also Like
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.