I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
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So, can we agree on 4 or
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.