My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
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Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze