gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
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I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.