Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
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(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Cake!!
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.