“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
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The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
This hospital has everything
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*