I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
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nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.