I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
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Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
That was easy.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
is this meant to deter me
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty