I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
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Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday