@brianbowman73: I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
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@UncleDuke1969: My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
@yassinovic89: Gf: am I pretty or ugly? Bf: you're both hun :) Gf: what do you mean both? Bf: you're pretty ugly.
@Brianhopecomedy: To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.