I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
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Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
oh shit
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction