I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
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I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)