I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
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Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder