I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
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according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol