I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
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Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ