@Mindless4Miles: I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn't notice the stranger in their midst and I'm feeling so loved rn.
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@StaceyShortcake: Accidentally sent a guy a ;) instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
@DanKCharnley: [1st day as undercover cop] *approaches drugdealer* Me: "Yes hello I'd like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!" *gets stabbed*
@XplodingUnicorn: 2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt. Me: Don’t lick the dog. 2: He licked me first.
@MasterOfMoppets: These coffee flavored rice cakes are delicious, but chewy. [eats another coaster]