I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
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If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂