@Mindless4Miles: I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn't notice the stranger in their midst and I'm feeling so loved rn.
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@slimmy_shady: Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven't met my kids.
@generaldietz: Baby Soldier: Ma'am. Your husband is MIA. Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands* Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
@theyearofelan: Captain’s Log. My girlfriend has been out of town for one day. The dogs are now in command. I have covered the floor in thin layers of prosciutto at their request. They’ve said I can stay here, for now. I am perched on the counter by the fridge in case they need more cured meats
@Maxine12333: You know you're getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.