I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
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strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar