I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
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this is one of the funniest videos of all time
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.