“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
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I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey