I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
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Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here