I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
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The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
[eulogy]
line?
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.