I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
You Might Also Like
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.