Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
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me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t