I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
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Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep