Dolls on drugs
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[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants