I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
You Might Also Like
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
From my Mom
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
My wife has the worst taste in men.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
as is their right
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread