I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
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If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
How funny!
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.