i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
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box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
You have been warned.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy