CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
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Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food