Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
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*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones