I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
You Might Also Like
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.