I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
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“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.