I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
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Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.