Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
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When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Ron is short for Aaronald
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys