Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
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Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
North and South
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Bro what is this
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I feel this so hard
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?