I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
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The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.