I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
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Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.