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@Dani_Feld: I fed the cows marijuana.
The steaks have never been higher.
@thejamietighe: Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You're not even guessing.
@vikkaroni: "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming."
@JoshontheGo: If I said I was the king of the jungle, I'd be lion to you.
@Chumpstring: COP: step outta the car
COP: got any drugs on u
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn't surprise me. it's been acting funny lately
@Heldinchains: The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that's iffy