Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
You Might Also Like
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Muppet Screams
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]