When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
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Me: Same
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.