Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
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when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
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People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
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Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
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me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak