I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
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I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.