I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
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I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play