@jakob_huber: I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
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@ThatScoop: Guy: What do you do? Me: I tell jokes on Twitter G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself? Me: I tell myself that they're good jokes
@SleepingSuspect: Actual voice mail: "Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don't know how to make the facey-things so...happy face at the end."
@thetits: [texting] ME: I like you, I think you're cute MY CRUSH: oh um ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
@carlyken: Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won't eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I'll hold. Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori