I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
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In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.