Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
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The Friday File.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Deer are just ballerina dogs
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.