I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
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CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
We’ve all been there
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive