I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
You Might Also Like
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack