I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
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Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
is this store having a stroke wtf
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.