@NotMarkAllen: I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
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@ericsshadow: [undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
@gavinpivott: A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.
@KeetPotato: wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out me: i wont [shakes priest's hand after lovely wedding ceremony] me: so are you god's boyfriend?
@Underchilde: I tweet because it’s fun and I like the validation, but also because one day it’ll prove to a jury how crazy I am.