I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
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My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up