@buhsbaby_baby: I feel like auto-correct should know by now that I'd never ask anyone to "jazz" all over my face.
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@BlindChow: "That'll be $19.94." *pulls out $50 bill* "Sorry, we've had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?" *pulls out $25 bill*
@nuttywhippet: Ancient Chinese proverb: man who go to bed with itchy bottom, wake up with smelly finger.
@causticbob: If my iPod doesn't work in the next few minutes, I'm throwing it in the river. It can either sync or swim.
@atanya1111: At age 40 you gain the capacity to fall totally chemically head over heels in love with a refrigerator.