I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
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Merica.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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