Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
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DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Not messing around
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Bootstraps
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Brb my Sims are getting married
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.