Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
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“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.